Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
