I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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