I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
