I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
