Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
