Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
