It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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