so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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