I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
