You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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