my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
