I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
