the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
pop tarts are not kleenex
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
