god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
