Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
