I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
