Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He had one of those small greek statue penises
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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