I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
