I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
