Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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