I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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