Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
