from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
