Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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