No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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