yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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