If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
