I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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