I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
