I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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