Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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