Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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