I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
