who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
