but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
