Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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