brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
