Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
