Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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