I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
