I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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