Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
