I wanna bring you to show and tell
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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