i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
