Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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