i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
