At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
