Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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