I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
