Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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