I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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