Moan for me like Helen Keller
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
